Collecting Data and Weighing His Options Before His Next "Move"

Dad continues to rest comfortably in his home, surrounded by his felines and our family. In addition to regular visits from Hospice, we've also brought in 24 hour caregivers, as well. Although lately Dad's willingness to move from the bed has been minimal, he still tries, and my mom cannot move him by herself.

Dad has met with a friend from the funeral home. He's ironed out his arrangements, to include who is to speak and when at his service and celebration of life and who will be his pall bearers. He's the planner, and continues to analyze and weigh his options every step of this journey. Since he's finalized those arrangements, I've observed him to sleep more and eat/drink less.

I do need to share a most exciting series of conversations I've had with him over the last 4 days. You're probably thinking, "What could possibly be exciting about all this?????"

Trust me, this is good stuff......

On Saturday, Dad fell into the deepest sleep we had witnessed  up to that point. He was out. Nothing was waking him. At one point, he didn't wake, but he winced in pain. Jill tried to get him to respond to a request for pain meds, but he just wasn't waking up. Later that night, he started mumbling that "someone was going to be held responsible for those treatments...."  I went to him and sat with him on his bed. He opened his eyes and told me that he had been misdiagnosed. When I told him he had not been misdiagnosed, he looked me square in the eye, with a very puzzled look on his face, and said, "You mean to tell me that I still have pancreatic cancer? That makes no sense at all." At the time, I chalked it up to the disease, a dream, the end of life confusion, maybe the pain meds. I didn't think too much of it, really.

On Monday, while Dad was sleeping he started asking for candy and pretzels to eat. I jumped up to provide him with a candy buffet: Reese's PB cups, Twizzlers, Mary Jane's, Good & Plenty. He opted for part of a PB cup and Twizzler, but seemed disappointed with how the candy was going down. He really forced it. He fell back to sleep for a little while and then I woke him up when I was going to leave. He perked up and said, "Before you leave, I would like for you to help me. The question that I have..... I have is a dilemma....I need to know when I'm going to get back to the way I was.....when I felt good and I could eat whatever I want and not feel full or sick."

"Dad, have you felt like that recently?" 

"Oh yeah. I can eat whatever I want, and then I see you and you tell me that I still have pancreatic cancer."

"So you have periods that are like dreams where you aren't sick, and you feel good, and you eat what you want?"

"Yeah."

"And then you wake up and are still sick and feel crappy. Is that why you asked me if you still had pancreatic cancer the other night?" 

"Yeah."

"So in these dreams where you feel good are there other people there with you?"

"Oh yeah."

"Who is there?"

"Everyone. Everyone is there."

"Like who?"

"Everyone."

Then Mom asks, "Are your parents there? Are Pop and Grandma there? Are my parents there?" 

"Oh yeah. Everyone is there."

"Is Jesus there?" 

"Sometimes He is and sometimes He isn't."

At that point, it really seemed as if he was experiencing what he determined to be a "dilemma."  Even at this point, Jim Snead is analyzing his options and gathering the necessary data to make a final determination....this life, or the next? Mom and I reassured him that it was okay to be with "everyone" and to go enjoy his life where he was no longer sick and he could eat what he wants and do what he wants. We would join him one day, as well. It was a most amazing conversation, and one I was excited to have with my father!

Although physically, the man that lays in that bed each day is not my dad, the man inside that head of his is still my dad. Those one liners still come out; his opinions are still put out there; and the need to analyze this most current "situation" is evident. I will miss him in the flesh very much, but I will always enjoy his spirit.

Prayers for all of us right now. We may have him with us another week.....maybe. Pray for a peaceful passing and transition from this life to his next.

Much love to all......Jen